I notice that I havn't updated in a while. I think I've just been trying to juggle the household while discovering in January the most wonderful news: We're pregnant and are due in September!
I've wanted to have a child of my own for a long time now. Pretty much as soon as Boyfriend and I met we knew that we would want to have a child together and started trying. I knew I would have trouble with this as my ex husband and I tried for a few years without getting close. So, last year we tried a few clomid cycles, had one chemical pregnancy and thats it. So, I spoke to the fertility specialists and they agreed to put me on the waiting list for IVF. Well, I needn't have worried! It took us over a year but we fell pregnant naturally, without help and things have gone very well! I'm also a Type One diabetic,so this needs special attention but other then that I've had a very normal pregnancy so far.
In terms of the other things that are going on at home, Tricksy just finished his first set of school holidays for the year. Poor thing, we decided to have his teeth looked at while he was on holiday and because he's very anxious about anything medical and being touched, we had to organise a general anaesthetic appointment to get this done. That was a very full on day for all of us. He required restraining and he's grown since the last time we needed to do this so it was a lot more difficult. Boyfriend and I took turns and with me being 17 weeks pregnant, it was hard. But we used a pre-medication to help sedate him so we could get him into the OR and then they used the GA. They removed two baby teeth and a baby molar that was being eaten into my a adult molar and BOY! That must have been causing him a fair amount of pain. A few days after this appointment it was like having a different boy in the house. He was attentive, engaged and trying to engage. He's using more of his word, echoing more and just (most of the time) a pleasure to be around. He's been a little terror this week due to massive changes in his usual routine, but we're hoping that will settle down once his after school carers (IE grandparents) come home from their three week holiday.
In terms of being step-parent, well, one of the things that really gets my goat is that fact that there is little recognition for the energy that goes in to being a parent. It's like this for all parents and I'm beginning to notice it myself. I don't work and THANK GOD because otherwise I would be a head case. I'd be exhausted more then I already am and I'd have time, ever. Stay at home parents don't sit around on their asses all day. It's not an easy job, even when the kids ARE at school. That just means that there is more time to get things done. I clean the house, parent the child, ensure that our child's needs will be met every day. When Tricksy IS home, he needs constant supervision so I can't sit and read a book while he plays because often he will play for a few minutes and run off to find some other fun activity and it usually involves water! As any parent of a toddler will attest, its exhausting. The difference here is Tricksy is 7.
I've been thinking a lot about how things will change with the introduction of a second child into our house. For me, for Boyfriend and mines relationship and for Tricksy. He will go from being an only child (in this house, he has a baby sister overseas) to having a live in baby taking my time from me. I've slowly been sitting and discussing this with Boyfriend to try to make the transition easier but in all honesty? We can't know how he will react until Sticky Bun (that's her/his name for now lol!) arrives.
Anyway, that's enough rambling from me.
love and light to you all x
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
He's home!
So, tricksy has spent the last two weeks with his Mother. She came all the way from across the world to spend the last two weeks of his school holiday with him and it was a god send, for me at least!
We caught up in our sleep, found a new house to move into and had the most wonderful news (that I will share in full in 6 weeks!) but I feel the thing we really got out of the two weeks was being able to spend some time together, reconnecting. Just the two of us. We went away with friend for a couple of days. We spent nights out, we had a home warming type meal with another friend and all without worrying about the baby sitter.
He came home yesterday and he's not only grown taller but he also seems to have put on weight, which is great. We had fears he would come home with new routines to add to his already far to big repertoire, but apart from trying to sleep with his main bedroom light on, he's settling back into home life fine.
Not alot else to add today except I feel like a very lucky step mummy today.
We caught up in our sleep, found a new house to move into and had the most wonderful news (that I will share in full in 6 weeks!) but I feel the thing we really got out of the two weeks was being able to spend some time together, reconnecting. Just the two of us. We went away with friend for a couple of days. We spent nights out, we had a home warming type meal with another friend and all without worrying about the baby sitter.
He came home yesterday and he's not only grown taller but he also seems to have put on weight, which is great. We had fears he would come home with new routines to add to his already far to big repertoire, but apart from trying to sleep with his main bedroom light on, he's settling back into home life fine.
Not alot else to add today except I feel like a very lucky step mummy today.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
School holidays are LONG!
Well, its been almost four weeks since the young one went on school holidays for the year and dear god! I don't know how other parents do this. I think that most tiring part of being home with him every day is just the amount of watching he needs!
So far we have been to the swimming pools. It was good in the sense that it helped Tricksy work off his excess energy.Not so good that I had to run lengths of the pool making sure he didn't try to drown any of the other children!
We went to the museum, which was good, the beach which was a disaster because he had a meltdown when I had to get him home. We've spent many a day just at home, him on his trampoline and me watching with a book in hand.
In saying this, we dropped Tricksy off with his mother a couple of days ago for a few weeks and felt very guilty when we left as he was really not pleased at us leaving him. Not because he didn't want to see his mother, but because he wanted to see his grandmother more! We had ahd to drive past his grandmothers house on the way to drop him off and as soon as we went past? He threw a tantrum but there was not alot we could do about it so had to listen to him screaming for 15 minutes at full lung capacity.
Dropping him off was guilt inducing and he is still on my mind alot but it's been nice. I've cleaned my house (YAY!) and just relaxed with a friend and while he's still on my mind Im enjoying the space as much as I can.
So far we have been to the swimming pools. It was good in the sense that it helped Tricksy work off his excess energy.Not so good that I had to run lengths of the pool making sure he didn't try to drown any of the other children!
We went to the museum, which was good, the beach which was a disaster because he had a meltdown when I had to get him home. We've spent many a day just at home, him on his trampoline and me watching with a book in hand.
In saying this, we dropped Tricksy off with his mother a couple of days ago for a few weeks and felt very guilty when we left as he was really not pleased at us leaving him. Not because he didn't want to see his mother, but because he wanted to see his grandmother more! We had ahd to drive past his grandmothers house on the way to drop him off and as soon as we went past? He threw a tantrum but there was not alot we could do about it so had to listen to him screaming for 15 minutes at full lung capacity.
Dropping him off was guilt inducing and he is still on my mind alot but it's been nice. I've cleaned my house (YAY!) and just relaxed with a friend and while he's still on my mind Im enjoying the space as much as I can.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
So, what do our special needs mean?
I have been thinking about this alot lately and wanted to share what I have discovered.
So, by now you know that Tricksy has Autism. I often explain it as him still being a toddler. He needs constant watching like one, that's for sure! Being around Tricksy is a real eye opener, for a lot of people. I also noticed that I stopped being invited places after people met him and many don't seem to fully understand what a day in his world is like. So I'll give you a bit of a run through of what its like for us. One of my favourite sayings? "if you've met one child with autism? Then you've met ONE child with Autism:
Eating:
Because of his selective eating we give him a vege juice, orange juice mix to try to get his vitamins up. He has french fries for breakfast,which means everyday at roughly 9am we have to march out to the car and drive to our nearest burger king. This is the only fries he will eat. Many have asked if maybe we'd thought about making home cooked fries and the answer? Yes, we've tried. But he wont eat them.
He generally has chips for lunch with some juice through the day.I also add an antihistimine to this, cos he's like his father: Allergic to dust and pollen.
For dinner we travel 16km's East to his grandparents house because there he eats his one real meal: Rice with chicken mushroom sauce. I use the term 'sauce' loosely, because its steamed mushroom and chicken and the sauce is the water that is left over. We have tried countless times to get him to eat this in our home and even had his grandmother over to make it and feed him for a while but to no avail. So, until he stops eating this he will go there most days. he has begun to show interest in other foods,which is wonderful! Various fruits, vegetables and once? He grabbed a cheeseburger off me to put in his mouth! He may not have eaten any but we gotta start somewhere.
Another thing about the eating is it means that if we ever need to get medication into him? Forget about it. It's not going to happen no matter how much cajoling we do. We can't just shove it in his mouth and hold it closed until he swallows because he is likely to throw up. His only option is orange flavoured medicines that I hope to god I can hide in his juice or suppositories.
Routine:
People ask if routine is a biggie for him and the answer is well, yes and no. If we keep to routine? Everything seems to go better and this is because its predictable for him. He understands that everyday he does that and this and then the other stuff. If, for whatever reason, the routine changes he tends to be a bit finnicky, is liable to throw alot of tantrums and is likely to not be compliant. He sticks to his routine as closely as he can! So, as long as the big things are the same everyday (School, his grandmother, chippies and bed) then he's good.
Tantrums:
The thing with Autistic tantrums is they vary in size and can happen at any moment, if we're not careful. Routine changes, being told no or wait, not being able to play with a certain toy in a way he wants can cause tantrums. His ability to understand his frustration is very limited and so his frustration results in tantrums or even worse, meltdowns. A meltdown, as many parents know, are all encompassing tantrums that can take forever to calm. For him the come in waves and often we can see him struggling to catch a hold of control, but he can't. The only thing we can do is sit him in a comfortable place and let him work through it. We often can't leave him though as he will bite, hit or scratch himself to try to alleviate the frustration. He has also hit myself and Boyfriend many, many times.
Going out:
When we take him places we often get sideways glances that I try very hard to ignore. He shows baby like excitement and with abandon as well. If he's frustrated in public he will literally just throw himself on the floor. Going food shopping, to the pools, the park; these are all places that need vigilance and planning on our part. Mostly I try not to take him shopping, but sometimes I need to. I watch him like a hawke at playgrounds, not because I'm scared he'll hurt himself (because that's unlikely), but because I'm scared he'll hurt another child. He doesn't know how to swim, so constant watching there is a must.
You learn over time what to avoid, and even what routes when driving to avoid! Some shops are money pits because they stock his favourite things: Trains, cars and lego!
Communication:
Hi non-verbal communication didn't take long to pick up, but then I'm trained in the art of observation as part of my degree. I can see that it would be much more difficult for others to pick up. We know when it's time to leave because of an impending quarrel, when its time to get him his juice, when he wants to go outside. These things we picked up. Even his verbal skills are low and he has a short list of words he uses, some aren't even words, but we have figured out what they mean to him.
Schooling:
He goes to a special needs school and at the stage he's at it seems unlikely that he'll be main streamed. But then, you never know!
Affection:
Most people assume that Tricksy must not know how to show affection or be attached in anyway to people. Well, for us its not like that. He often will walk to one of his main carers and give them a hug, will sit on their lap when he needs comfort. He even understands that something is wrong when I get blue (which I sometimes do). As far as attachments go he is very attached to his grandmother, his father and now me. I used to feel for Boyfriend because I heard how he wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom without Tricksy having a meltdown. He used to have to have either his Grandmother or Father in his line of sight. Well, I can say now that I know what that's like! Since I've become one of the people in his life that cares for him everyday there have been times when I've ducked out and he's gone ballistic. It's upsetting when it happens but it can't be helped.
Well, I guess thats some of what it's like. I can't tell you what its like for him but someone once sent me a reading that said:
So, by now you know that Tricksy has Autism. I often explain it as him still being a toddler. He needs constant watching like one, that's for sure! Being around Tricksy is a real eye opener, for a lot of people. I also noticed that I stopped being invited places after people met him and many don't seem to fully understand what a day in his world is like. So I'll give you a bit of a run through of what its like for us. One of my favourite sayings? "if you've met one child with autism? Then you've met ONE child with Autism:
Eating:
Because of his selective eating we give him a vege juice, orange juice mix to try to get his vitamins up. He has french fries for breakfast,which means everyday at roughly 9am we have to march out to the car and drive to our nearest burger king. This is the only fries he will eat. Many have asked if maybe we'd thought about making home cooked fries and the answer? Yes, we've tried. But he wont eat them.
He generally has chips for lunch with some juice through the day.I also add an antihistimine to this, cos he's like his father: Allergic to dust and pollen.
For dinner we travel 16km's East to his grandparents house because there he eats his one real meal: Rice with chicken mushroom sauce. I use the term 'sauce' loosely, because its steamed mushroom and chicken and the sauce is the water that is left over. We have tried countless times to get him to eat this in our home and even had his grandmother over to make it and feed him for a while but to no avail. So, until he stops eating this he will go there most days. he has begun to show interest in other foods,which is wonderful! Various fruits, vegetables and once? He grabbed a cheeseburger off me to put in his mouth! He may not have eaten any but we gotta start somewhere.
Another thing about the eating is it means that if we ever need to get medication into him? Forget about it. It's not going to happen no matter how much cajoling we do. We can't just shove it in his mouth and hold it closed until he swallows because he is likely to throw up. His only option is orange flavoured medicines that I hope to god I can hide in his juice or suppositories.
Routine:
People ask if routine is a biggie for him and the answer is well, yes and no. If we keep to routine? Everything seems to go better and this is because its predictable for him. He understands that everyday he does that and this and then the other stuff. If, for whatever reason, the routine changes he tends to be a bit finnicky, is liable to throw alot of tantrums and is likely to not be compliant. He sticks to his routine as closely as he can! So, as long as the big things are the same everyday (School, his grandmother, chippies and bed) then he's good.
Tantrums:
The thing with Autistic tantrums is they vary in size and can happen at any moment, if we're not careful. Routine changes, being told no or wait, not being able to play with a certain toy in a way he wants can cause tantrums. His ability to understand his frustration is very limited and so his frustration results in tantrums or even worse, meltdowns. A meltdown, as many parents know, are all encompassing tantrums that can take forever to calm. For him the come in waves and often we can see him struggling to catch a hold of control, but he can't. The only thing we can do is sit him in a comfortable place and let him work through it. We often can't leave him though as he will bite, hit or scratch himself to try to alleviate the frustration. He has also hit myself and Boyfriend many, many times.
Going out:
When we take him places we often get sideways glances that I try very hard to ignore. He shows baby like excitement and with abandon as well. If he's frustrated in public he will literally just throw himself on the floor. Going food shopping, to the pools, the park; these are all places that need vigilance and planning on our part. Mostly I try not to take him shopping, but sometimes I need to. I watch him like a hawke at playgrounds, not because I'm scared he'll hurt himself (because that's unlikely), but because I'm scared he'll hurt another child. He doesn't know how to swim, so constant watching there is a must.
You learn over time what to avoid, and even what routes when driving to avoid! Some shops are money pits because they stock his favourite things: Trains, cars and lego!
Communication:
Hi non-verbal communication didn't take long to pick up, but then I'm trained in the art of observation as part of my degree. I can see that it would be much more difficult for others to pick up. We know when it's time to leave because of an impending quarrel, when its time to get him his juice, when he wants to go outside. These things we picked up. Even his verbal skills are low and he has a short list of words he uses, some aren't even words, but we have figured out what they mean to him.
Schooling:
He goes to a special needs school and at the stage he's at it seems unlikely that he'll be main streamed. But then, you never know!
Affection:
Most people assume that Tricksy must not know how to show affection or be attached in anyway to people. Well, for us its not like that. He often will walk to one of his main carers and give them a hug, will sit on their lap when he needs comfort. He even understands that something is wrong when I get blue (which I sometimes do). As far as attachments go he is very attached to his grandmother, his father and now me. I used to feel for Boyfriend because I heard how he wouldn't be able to go to the bathroom without Tricksy having a meltdown. He used to have to have either his Grandmother or Father in his line of sight. Well, I can say now that I know what that's like! Since I've become one of the people in his life that cares for him everyday there have been times when I've ducked out and he's gone ballistic. It's upsetting when it happens but it can't be helped.
Well, I guess thats some of what it's like. I can't tell you what its like for him but someone once sent me a reading that said:
Imagine you wake up in a strange country. You can't understand or speak the language, you don't recognise any of the food and the 'beings' seem to have rituals and routines that you just can't seem to get your mind around. You taste foods, but your mouth feels strange. Bright lights upset your eyes, loud noises give you bad headaches. The beings touching you feels like an insect on your skin and the beings around you seem to want something from you but you cant for the life of you figure out what it is! If only someone spoke your language, you could connect!'I liked this reading because for the first time I could picture what it might be like for him. And the thing is? We may never know what its like for him.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
First time here..Time to introduce the clan
Hi, as you can guys see from this post? This is the first one.
I've decided to start this blog because I notice that there seems to be a real lack of stepmothers writing about their experiences of being step mothers, and I have yet to see a blog from a step mother of a child with specials needs. I'm not exactly sure why, but I can guess it has something to do with their lack of time!
I'm 28 years old and as of last year became a step mother. Yes, that's right: I met a man, fell in love and then I met his son, who I think for the purposes of this blog I shall name Tricksy Monkey. The man? His name is Boyfriend, and together we are a family.
More about me: I was married. My marriage ended. I met Boyfriend and we started dating. We didnt date for very long, but I like to think this is because we realised very quickly that a good thing has just landed in our lap. So, we moved in together and at that point it was just us. In fact, it was just us, except weekends, for the first 5 months. Then, as of early 2011, we took on the day to day care of the Tricksy and that is when my experience of being a step mother began.
About Boyfriend: He was also married and his marriage also ended. The difference between us though was obviously the fact that I left my marriage without children. Boyfriend works in a job that he loves and spends alot of time reading, trying to catch up on lost sleep and spending time with his family.
About Tricksy: He is 7 and has Autism with global developmental delays. I often describe him as a tall 7 year old sized 2 year old. He is non-verbal meaning he has some words he can use well (shoes, car, some nouns), a selective eater meaning he eats only a few foods (Fries, crackers, orange/vege juice, one rice dish, ice cream, chocolate) and has trouble communicating effectively with people. He attends a special needs school which meets his high needs very well and he has alot of people around him that love him very dearly.
Don't get me wrong: He is a wonderful, intelligent and cheeky child. But he is hard work! There are things I used to take for granted with children his 'age': Personal safety, communication, sleeping! But these things went out the window when I met him. I was once told that I must enjoy a challenge and I was never quite sure what to say to that except that no, I don't enjoy challenges but Tricksy is the only child of a man I love. I always figured that if I want the man, I must take him with all that he comes with. One of the things he comes with, as well as being insightful,caring and genuinely nice, is a small child who has Autism. I would never stand between a child and their biological parents so I made a choice very early on to accept them both into my life. Lord knows I have enough space in my life for them.
On Being a stepmother: I think this is the reason I have decided to start writing. Being a step mother is unlike any role I've taken on in my life! In some ways I am Tricksy's mother: I'm here everyday, I make his school lunches, I take him for trips, I bathe him, I discipline him. But at the end of the day I am still only his stepmother. Dealing with his biological mother can be difficult for me, so Boyfriend is the only one that will communicate with her. There are things that I never thought about when I became a step mother, and these are things I will tackle here, as they happen.
I hope that someone out there finds this blog and finds it interesting for whatever reason they have for looking for blogs about stepmothers of special needs children. I am just going to write as I experience new things and hopefully, with time, I will be able to pass on wisdom as I learn it myself.
Love and light to you all x
I've decided to start this blog because I notice that there seems to be a real lack of stepmothers writing about their experiences of being step mothers, and I have yet to see a blog from a step mother of a child with specials needs. I'm not exactly sure why, but I can guess it has something to do with their lack of time!
I'm 28 years old and as of last year became a step mother. Yes, that's right: I met a man, fell in love and then I met his son, who I think for the purposes of this blog I shall name Tricksy Monkey. The man? His name is Boyfriend, and together we are a family.
More about me: I was married. My marriage ended. I met Boyfriend and we started dating. We didnt date for very long, but I like to think this is because we realised very quickly that a good thing has just landed in our lap. So, we moved in together and at that point it was just us. In fact, it was just us, except weekends, for the first 5 months. Then, as of early 2011, we took on the day to day care of the Tricksy and that is when my experience of being a step mother began.
About Boyfriend: He was also married and his marriage also ended. The difference between us though was obviously the fact that I left my marriage without children. Boyfriend works in a job that he loves and spends alot of time reading, trying to catch up on lost sleep and spending time with his family.
About Tricksy: He is 7 and has Autism with global developmental delays. I often describe him as a tall 7 year old sized 2 year old. He is non-verbal meaning he has some words he can use well (shoes, car, some nouns), a selective eater meaning he eats only a few foods (Fries, crackers, orange/vege juice, one rice dish, ice cream, chocolate) and has trouble communicating effectively with people. He attends a special needs school which meets his high needs very well and he has alot of people around him that love him very dearly.
Don't get me wrong: He is a wonderful, intelligent and cheeky child. But he is hard work! There are things I used to take for granted with children his 'age': Personal safety, communication, sleeping! But these things went out the window when I met him. I was once told that I must enjoy a challenge and I was never quite sure what to say to that except that no, I don't enjoy challenges but Tricksy is the only child of a man I love. I always figured that if I want the man, I must take him with all that he comes with. One of the things he comes with, as well as being insightful,caring and genuinely nice, is a small child who has Autism. I would never stand between a child and their biological parents so I made a choice very early on to accept them both into my life. Lord knows I have enough space in my life for them.
On Being a stepmother: I think this is the reason I have decided to start writing. Being a step mother is unlike any role I've taken on in my life! In some ways I am Tricksy's mother: I'm here everyday, I make his school lunches, I take him for trips, I bathe him, I discipline him. But at the end of the day I am still only his stepmother. Dealing with his biological mother can be difficult for me, so Boyfriend is the only one that will communicate with her. There are things that I never thought about when I became a step mother, and these are things I will tackle here, as they happen.
I hope that someone out there finds this blog and finds it interesting for whatever reason they have for looking for blogs about stepmothers of special needs children. I am just going to write as I experience new things and hopefully, with time, I will be able to pass on wisdom as I learn it myself.
Love and light to you all x
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